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The Lesbian Golf Mafia Anime F***s so hard you have no idea

hold up before you leave that comment i know what you're about to say jeff you're good at what you do you convinced me to watch a walrus drive a taxi and some girls fundraise for a trip to antarctica you got me into a superior animated version of squid game and even ari feretta somehow at the same time as you were viciously mocking it i still don't get how that worked but i draw the line at golf not only is the sport wildly unethical but it's boring as sin you may as well make an anime about real estate policy there is simply no way to make this idea interest is that a rocket launcher yes dear viewer yes it is now if you'd kindly sit down and shut up for a sec i'll tell you all about golf girls and the golf girl mafia birdie wing golf girls story is literally objectively no hyperbole a perfect anime and i can prove it with math i want you to take a second to think about what is truly essential to making anime anime what traits really define this movement within the medium of animation it's a heady complicated philosophical question with no clear right answer right wrong the answers are special attack names special attack poses rivalry romance dylan badassery waifu slash husbandos wallpaper generating potential music slapitude plot twists cool robot [ __ ] and lasers and birdie wing scores a perfect 10 in every single one of those objective universally agreed upon categories except for waifu's slash husbandos where it scores a twenty [Music] make that 30.

This may sound a touch strange but i honestly sincerely believe that golf as a sport was only invented so that it could one day be turned into this specific anime the sport's synergy with anime's inherent strengths is just too perfect to be a coincidence i mean think about it literally every epic golfing duel by design takes place on a series of very nice wallpapers on top of that the single most cost efficient kind of common cool anime shot is a dramatic sweeping fly-through of a computer-generated 3d environment and the first thing most animators learn how to animate is balls so when you combine those two factors together there is a ton of potential for low-cost visual spectacle here and on bottom of that golfing action often looks the coolest from low angles a perspective that most japanese animators have a ton of experience with because you know why already it is easy to see why a veteran director like desert punk's takayuki inagaki might be drawn to golf as the subject of an original anime project but even still you do not fully grasp just how perfect this synergy is i want you to take one more second and picture in your mind the most anime scene that you can imagine don't think too hard about it just draw on your primal memories of dragon ball and beyblade and speed racer and what have you and surely enough a picture will emerge in your mind you got it okay now i'm gonna freak angel that mind by taking the very picture that you just imagined out of it and placing it inside your computer screen or tv or phone or tablet or switch or steam deck now i guess crap i'm losing them behold [Music] did you see that she just golfed at her so hard it made her pass out as you can plainly see for yourself golf has the potential to be the most anime thing there is but of course direction is only part of that equation you also need the right writer someone who really knows how to make anime feel like anime and few writers out there have written more anime anime then yosuke kuroda of tri-gun my hero academia batoome helsing ultimate goblin slayer high school of the dead mad lax and drifter's fame well i guess not really fame scenario writers rarely get the recognition they deserve for their work but he also co-created the sunrise original anime scribe which he would be pretty famous for if more people had watched that but if you have seen it then you know that that anime is about as anime as anime gets and if that's somehow still not anime enough for you they also brought in scride's composer kotaro nakagawa who you might also recognize from his work on code geass prison school and zettai karen children to ensure that every shot of a soaring golf ball feels exactly as hype as deku breaking his whole god damn arm upside a dude's head to bring it back to the writing though kuroda also penned the screenplay for gundam build fighters and build fighters try sunrise and bandai namco's rather successful effort to make a yugioh out of their wildly successful gunplum merchandise line and that is vital experience to have on this project since remember golf is for all its potential as an anime pretty [ __ ] excruciatingly boring in real life actually it needs a wee bit of punching up to be properly entertaining is what i'm saying and there is no more surefire way in anime to make anything ten times more interesting from babbling with betamons to baking bread then turning it into a yu-gi-oh but how does one even make a yu-gi-oh without an acceptable yu-gi-oh substitute like beyblades or card fight vanguards to sell with it simple all you need to do is take literally any activity and come up with a list of increasingly ridiculous problems and conflicts that nobody in their right mind would ever try to solve in a million years with that activity which your characters will then proceed to solve in order exclusively using that activity tie it all together with some campy melodramatic villains and a deeply homoerotic rivalry and you've got yourself the makings of a good time how good a time depends on how great a gap you can create between your audience's expectations of where a story about that designated activity would probably go and where you actually take it and to be fair golf is at a default level of boring where having our protagonist eve simply keep participating in secret late-night high-stakes underground golf gambling to support the four other orphans three of whom are illegal immigrants that her adopted bar keep mom slash older sister is raising while also trying to make it in a double life as a pro would have been more than enough to make for a decently entertaining first season but birdie wing does not settle for decent in this golf girls story there is no such thing as enough and especially no such thing as too much which means there is nothing standing in the way of it taking that already pretty dope concept to its logical conclusion by moving the high stakes late night golf gambling action underground as in literally physically underground in addition to the figurative meaning of the word that i was already using eve has to golf on a course inside a wind tunnel on the 20th basement floor of a real estate office that is also the secret mafia headquarters against a sexy evil snake vampire lady who subtly throws her opponents off their game by standing next to them with her poison belly tattoo exposed also almost forgot to mention the golf course is a transformer [Music] and what's more before the nitpicky anime fan in my brain could even start asking how someone could afford to build an industrial golf hangar full of dozens maybe hundreds of pieces of modular artificial terrain on motorized tracks that allow for thousands of randomized hole combinations 20 stories below the streets of a busy city catherine the real estate mogul secret golf mafia boss was already explaining that when she's not using it to settle turf disputes with the other golf capos she actually turns a tidy profit on the facility by live streaming regular randomized golf gambles to rich perverts the world over if i had to hazard a guess based on my own streaming business experience they probably supplement that income too using sponsor reads much like this one hey all it's your boy goon number three thanks for tuning in the golfer's basement uh capo catherine's gotta go fit some guys with cement golf shoes and show them around the water traps real quick so till she gets back let me tell you a thing or two about g fuel the first thing is the g stands for golf but you knew that already you also know that golfing good requires stamina power and concentration and g-fuel's patented energy formula with focus aminos available in powder or liquid form is designed to help you golf harder than ever before but what you maybe didn't know is that you can use the code basement at checkout on gfuel.com to get 30 off an order of any size so if you want to stock up on the new diablo health potion or morbius nectarine plasma flavors you don't gotta choose buy them all we did see those sand traps out there i'll tell you a third thing that ain't sand and hey in case you're worried that i just spoiled some big twist or reveal by telling you about that all that happens in episode three see the show needs to establish the existence of secret underground transforming golf bunkers early on so that you in the audience don't get overwhelmed by all the anime-ness hitting you all at once when that same secret underground transforming golf bunker is later used as the backdrop for a winner-take-all golf death game to save the orphanage oh and uh i should probably mention the whole golf mafia thing is just the b plot of this anime the gritty backstory that explains how a scrappy underdog protagonist from the wrong side of the tracks could come out of nowhere and blow the fancy expensive doors off the whole professional golf scene not to mention blow the fancy expensive panties off a certain professional golfer yes the true golf girls story can of course only begin when the golf girls in question meet on the course the other golf girl whose existence is implied by the plural in the title is japanese gulf empire heiress aoi amawashi who is so good and pure that it's kind of scary actually and that's not me trying to turn a phrase her nickname out on the lynx is the innocent tyrant because no matter what pressure she's facing no matter what happens around her her gentle genuine smile never falters as other players psych themselves out trying to find any [ __ ] in her armor she just hits birdie after birdie after eagle after birdie and stays calm and cool as the clear blue sky the whole time though honestly that has about as much to do with how excruciatingly boring pro golf is as owie's breezy personality she may take joy in the precise yet powerful physical action of the sport in displaying her mastery over almighty forces of nature like tall grass and the slight breeze but the samey strategies and tried and true techniques employed by pretty much everyone in the under 15 semi-pro circuit have left her starved for variety and novelty in her opponents it's not that no other golfer could ever get a reaction out of her but rather that she never sees any of them do anything that's worth reacting to that is until by chance she meets eve with her rough risky aggressively direct golfing style and unpredictable adaptability and instantly falls in the only thing stronger than love a shonen rivalry also love though to be clear they are girlfriends just in case anyone was wondering they do late night texts early morning pre-flight rendezvous the rich girl's mom has concerns about the poor one the trailer name drops tiger and bunny the show clearly knows what it is doing and it is cute as hell but it's intense as hell too because eve and ally bring things out of each other they didn't even realize were there they teach each other new techniques they never imagined were possible show each other pleasures they never dreamed of and ali just can't resist the way that eve confidently plows straight into the bush uh we're back to talking about golf now by the way obviously but the two still come from very different worlds and much like megalo box's junk dog eve is gonna have to claw her way out of the underground if she ever hopes to play a real game against her rival without the golf mafia ruining it through the snidely whiplash deployment of a tactical laser pointer they do at least get to reconnect and reaffirm their rivalry when they meet up in club art online because uh did i mention there's also full dive virtual reality in this anime about golf and it totally makes sense that aoi would be at the top of the leaderboards for that because canonically she is a gamer and also best girl as a side note i just want to say i really appreciate the way that bandai namco pictures has leveraged the various licenses they have access to to add texture to this world and its extremely fun characters mainly eve's foster sister lily who is canonically a massive weeb and loves building and detailing gundam models she even paints little wing logos on eve's balls using the same brushes and paint as her gunpla kits and she's not just any old gundam fan either you see that turn a model on the table lily has grade a taste clearly there is a lot more in this show for old school anime and mecca fans to appreciate than just the extremely mechanically detailed transforming course animations though don't get me wrong those are amazing anyway back on the topic of modern anime tropes our heroes unfortunately find that vr golf just doesn't feel the same as playing a real game on a real course that you know is really standing in the way of real environmental recovery and human progress so they can't settle their rivalry in there also in full dive vr there's simply no telling when you might be unceremoniously yanked out of a game or a romantic moment by the news that in the handful of hours that you were in there the city started tearing down the ghetto like the whole entire thing and at the rate they're knocking down neighborhoods which as far as you know were not informed that this would be happening prior to when you put on the vr headset the orphan bar that you live in is gonna be gone by like next weekend which you then quickly realize is all your fault because you're the one who hit the eagle that finally tipped the scales in the grand mafia power struggle for control of the ginormous casino they were planning to build where the entire ghetto used to be and again can't emphasize this enough that is just the b plot of this anime the a plot has only really just gotten rolling in the last few episodes as of this recording with eve finally arriving in japan in part to evade the golf mafia's hitmen but mostly so she can start attending the same my goal for academia as her girlfriend and since we already know that underground transforming golf bunker technology is quite economically efficient actually we're probably gonna see a ton of fun crazy sci-fi [ __ ] happen at that school because if you know anything about anime you know they did not spend all that money on the transforming course animations to only reuse them a couple of times you also don't design a sexy skintight robotron cat made outfit for your protagonist and then just throw it out after one episode so they'll probably use the golfo deck tech for some more fantastical games of vr golf at some point in the anime's near future there is just so much potential fun to be had with the premise of uh anime golf academy in the vein of yugioh's duel academy but it won't be all fun and games sure eve's got the golf mafia offer back for now but if she goes pro it's only a matter of time till someone spots her on tv and sends an assassin to like probably try to snipe her with a golf ball maybe they'll use a gun they do use rocket launchers in this universe so they probably have sniper rifles too but even still if we're playing by the rules of your typical yu-gi-oh i have no doubt that our heroines will be able to handily out-golf any conventional weaponry that gets pointed their way no i think the greater threat to their steaming hot passionate rivalry by far is none other than owie's mother who has plans for that girl and her incredible golfing talent plans with if i might hazard a fan theory here quite possibly the fate of the entire global golfing industrial complex hanging in the balance and she won't tolerate any distractions for her perfect little prodigy and i mean you've seen the golf tech they keep around real estate offices in this world i can't even imagine what kind of crazy nonsense an actual golf company might have hidden in their corporate office personally i'm really hoping we get some sort of golf kaibaland type scenario if you don't know what kaiba land is by the way you should really watch my yu-gi-oh world building breakdown or you could just read the original yu-gi-oh manga i can't recommend that enough honestly it is insane they play table hockey on a hot griddle with a puck made of ice and nitroglycerin over which class gets the best booth location at the culture festival the anime industry makes a lot of yugiohs nowadays maybe even more than they make pokemans but it's rare to find a yu-gi-oh that actually scratches the same itch as the og series last i can remember is skate the infinity and you know that one only kinda managed it uh now that i think of it kake guru actually hits that season zero vibe almost pitch perfectly i did not appreciate that nearly enough back when i made my pro-kaiji propaganda out of the series i really owe that anime a second look i was way not fair to it the first time but right now we should be talking fairways because birdie wing golf girls story is the rare modern yu-gi-oh that truly captures that original magic not quite the dark violent vibes of pre-dual monsters yu-gi-oh mind you but certainly the same anything goes catapult turtle gambit energy that pervades kazuki takahashi's entire manga the same unhinged approach to world building that understands on some level just how economically and politically absurd all of its core concepts really are and fully embraces the implications of that and just runs with them to their logical conclusion time and again as i watch this show i find myself surprised and delighted by the simple thrill of watching them actually just [ __ ] go there like [ __ ] it why not who's gonna stop us it's a golf anime literally no one will complain if we make it less like real golf the older i get the more anime i watch the less i get to truly feel like i have no idea what's coming next in a show beyond the vague certainty that it's gonna be stupid awesome somehow so i've learned to really treasure experiences like birdie wing golf girl story and i want to assure you that while i have had to give away some early surprises in trying to sell you on taking this wild journey with me i have held back a great many other surprises including a moment that made me physically jump up from my couch and shout what how what really what at the top of my lungs i am not exaggerating you will know it when you see it and you will see it right look if i haven't convinced you that you need to see this show yet i really don't know what else to say uh as a purely animated production waste no land or water birdie wing is literally the only remotely ethical way that a human being can experience golf on broadcast television in the year 2022 all right yeah now i'm actually done for real the ball's on your team now and it's up to you to choose what to do with it though if you make the wrong choice i will rat your ass out to the golf mafia i'm jeff though your personal anime caddy signing out from a very nice wallpaper [Music]

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